


Alternate Ending - Season 4

by just___another___writer



Series: Season 4 - The Jensens [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alive Justin Foley, Clay Jensen Needs a Hug, Everyone Is Alive, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:02:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25362076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just___another___writer/pseuds/just___another___writer
Summary: It's prom night, and Clay can't breathe.It's prom night, and Clay is almost ready to give up.
Relationships: Clay Jensen & Tony Padilla, Jessica Davis & Clay Jensen, Justin Foley & Clay Jensen, Justin Foley & The Jensens, Lainie Jensen/Matt Jensen, Tyler Down & Clay Jensen
Series: Season 4 - The Jensens [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836556
Comments: 53
Kudos: 119





	1. Prom Night

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> I basically change up the entire ending of season 4 in this.  
> Your girl is a sucker for happy endings, in which no one dies for shock value.  
> So yes, Justin doesn't die. He does have HIV though because I thought that was fitting.  
> But as we know, this isn't the eighties. HIV isn't a death sentence. Justin Foley doesn't die.  
> This starts at the end of Episode 9 after Clay asks his mother to dance with him.  
> Hope you enoy!

Clay let out a satisfied breath, as he walked towards the snacks section. 

It had turned out to be a good night. Everyone was happy, finally. Justin and Jessica weren't fighting again. Ani and he were okay. They were good friends now. Maybe, Clay thought, things were finally going to change for the better.

Until he bumped into Diego.

Clay had seen the hurt look that had crossed Diego's eyes when Jessica and Justin had started dancing. He also knew that Diego was suspicious about them, and what they had done. So it wasn't surprising to see Diego glare at him.

But it did make him uncomfortable.

"Having fun, Clay?" Diego asked, nonchalantly, leaning against the counter.

Clay jutted his chin outwards, his eyes hardening, "yes."

"How do you do it though?"

Clay frowned, "Do what?"

"Live with yourself after everything you have done. I got to b honest, I wouldn't be able to. I would hate myself."

There was a silence after that, as Clay absorbed his words, a pit forming in his stomach. Diego seemed to have done his work and leaned off the counter. He patted Clay on his shoulder, "But I guess that's the difference between a good and a bad person."

With that, he left.

_I am not a bad person.... or am I?_

How did he live with himself?

Clay would be the first person to admit that he barely lived with himself. He could barely look himself in the mirror without hating who he saw. That was why he had started to hurt himself. It felt good.

It was a punishment that he deserved for blaming an innocent person of murder.

And just like that, it wasn't a good night anymore. He felt his chest tighten, and it became harder to breathe.

There was no way Clay was having a panic attack in the middle of prom. he had to get out of here. The minor issue seemed to be that he didn't know how to do so.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Tony talking to Caleb. Both of them were laughing, clearly enjoying themselves. Clay couldn't ruin that, could he?

Nevertheless, he didn't really have an option. Which was why he walked towards here table, as fast as he could. By the time he had reached there, Clay's hands were shaking, and his legs were closing to giving out.

He gingerly tapped Tony on his shoulder, bracing himself on the table.

“Clay what’s-" Tony put an arm on his shoulder making his flinch, "What’s wrong?”

“I -” He put his free arm on his chest, letting out a labored breath. A sob escaped his lips, as he shook his head.

“Clay, hey, come on let’s get you out of here.” Tony's voice was soothing as he spoke, and somehow like always he knew just what to do. He felt Tony put an arm around him, gently rubbing his back.  
  
“What’s going on?” Clay couldn't recognize the voice. He couldn't recognize anything. He just wanted it all to be over. 

“Charlie and Caleb, take Clay outside to the balcony. I’m going to go find Justin.” He heard Tony say, and his panic heightened.

_Why was Tony leaving?_

“Clay, come on.” This time he recognized the voice. It was from Charlie. He let Charlie guide him outside, towards the balcony, trying to focus on his breathing.  
  
“It’s going to be okay, let’s just go outside for a moment.”  
\---

Justin was having a good time. He was here, at that moment, with Jessica. And the two of them had each other, and Ani who had decided to not give them a moment for themselves, forever.

Or until Tony interrupted them.

“Foley!”

It was the urgency in Tony's voice, that made Justin frown. otherwise, he was all for ignoring Tony and just have a good time for the rest of the night. But instead, he looked at Tony, who was all wide-eyed and panicky.

“Tony, hey, what’s up?” 

Beside him, Jessica looked between the two of them confused too. Both of them had the same thing going on their mind.

_What now?_

“It’s Clay. He’s telling me he can’t breathe and he’s all panicky and upset. What the fucks going on?”

All of a sudden Justin's entire mouth felt dry. 

“Shit.” He breathed out, looking over at Jessica briefly who was frowning too, “He’s having a panic attack. Where is he?”

he looked around as if hoping that clay would just appear from somewhere and assure him that he was fine. But having witnessed Clay's panic attacks first-hand multiple times, he knew that wasn't the case. 

Clay needed someone. Clay needed him.

“Outside with Charlie and Caleb.” 

“Okay," Justin looked back at Jessica who could sense the urgency in his tone, "Can one of you find Lainie, and also get some water.”

“I’ll get Mrs. Jensen,” Tony said, before taking off.

“I’ll get the water," Jess squeezed his hand, before leaving.

As Jessica left she ran into Ani. Upon seeing Jessica's expression, she frowned.

“Jess, what’s going on?"

“It’s Clay, he’s having a panic attack."

Ani's eyes widened, “Shit, is he okay?”

Ani didn't understand though. Just a few minutes back when they talked Clay seemed to be fine. He seemed to be having a good time, better than he had been in months. So how was he having a panic attack now?

“I don’t know," Jess sighed, "I just need to get him some water. Justin, Charlie, Tony, and Caleb are with him.”

“Should we come?”

\--

Justin rushed towards the balcony, to see Charlie and Caleb sitting with Clay. Both of them had a terrified expression on their face, as Clay gasped and cried and shook with fear in front of them.

Justin felt his heartbreak for his brother, as he watched Clay panic. He hated that Clay had to go through this.

“Clay,” He said, as he approached them. All three of him looked at him with the same relieved expression. 

“Justin, I- uh- I can’t," Clay choked out, before sobbing. He shook his head, holding his chest with one of his hands.

Justin kneeled down in front of him, holding his shoulder the same way he had seen Matt do the last time he had had a panic attack, “Hey, talk to me. What are you feeling?”

“I don’t know." Clay let out another sob, "I just want everything to end.”

At that, Justin felt his body freeze. He had never heard Clay say that during a panic attack before. He had never. Something terrible must've happened.

“Clay-” 

But Clay cut him off, shaking, “No! I just need everything to end. Everything. I want this life to end.”

Both Charlie and Caleb took in a sharp inhale at that, Justin himself felt at a loss of words.

He shook his head weakly, looking at the crying boy in front of him, “Clay, c’mon you don’t mean that.”

“I do. I can’t do this, it’s just too much. I can’t do this anymore. I want to die.” Clay cried as he spoke making it harder for his voice to be understandable, but Justin got the gist.

He felt tears burning at his own eyes as he watched clay, wanting to take all his pain away.

All he could at that moment was hug Clay, and he did. He felt Clay bury his head in his shoulder, letting out shuddering breaths as he did so.

“I want everything to end, please.”

It was then that Justin heard a few more footsteps approaching them. It was Lainie. She looked confused and worried as she took in the scene in front of her. From the corner of his eyes, Justin watched Charlie and Caleb walk back, clearly wanting to give them some space.

“Justin, Clay, what-”  
  
“I want everything to end," Clay sobbed again, and Justin watched as Lainie's face fell, as she sat down beside Clay, before giving Justin a pleading look.

A look that said, _Please tell me he didn't mean what I think he did._

Justin untangled himself from Clay, giving her an acknowledging nod, before sighing, “He- um- he had a panic attack. And um- I don’t know. I think there is more to it than that.” 

Lainie nodded, putting her hand on Clay's back, and resting it there.

At that, Clay looked her, for the first time noticing she was there, “Mom?”

“Yeah, honey, how are you feeling?” Lainie took Clay into a hug as she asked that.

All she received in response was another sob.  
  



	2. They Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we see the aftermath of prom and Matt and Lainie talk to Clay about his mental health.

It took Clay about fifteen minutes for Clay to fully calm down, after which all that was left was the occasional sniffling and heavy breathing. Both Justin and Lainie were on either side on him, Lainie rubbing his palm with her thumb, and Justin letting CLay's head droop on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes, giving Clay the time to fully compose themselves.

But all of them knew that this was something Clay couldn't just shrug off. They had to talk about it.

Lainie was already planning an intervention for Clay. In moments like these was when she hoped that Matt was with her. Matt was the calm one. She, on the other hand, was trying her best to not break down as she comforted her son.

She took in a deep breath, putting on her best smile, and squeezed Clay's fingers, “Honey, we’re gonna go home alright?”

Clay stayed silent, and for a moment Lainie was scared that he would shut them off. Judging for Justin's face he had the same doubt. But then, Clay sighed, “I didn’t drive here, I don’t know how to get home.” 

Lainie smiled at that. It amazed her that at that moment, this was what Clay was worried about. She shook her head, “Well, I drove here, and so this Justin. It’s okay, alright, honey? You’re safe with us.”

Clay nodded silently.

Another moment passed before Justin stirred, getting up, “I’ll get the car up front.” He told them, taking out the car keys.

Lainie nodded, smiling at her second son, “Thanks, honey.”

-

Justin walked back towards the main hall, which he had to go through to go to the parking lot. He was immediately met by a group of teenagers (and Caleb) hurrying towards him.

Jessica. Tony. Alex. Charlie. Ani.

Zack and Tyler were missing.

But that was the least of his worries at the moment. He passed by his friends, telling them that he would text them later.

All he could think about was Clay. And how Clay had convinced to wanting to die. Which meant that he had lied. He had lied at the psych ward. He had lied to his therapist. He had lied to _him_.

“Justin,” Jessica followed him, "What the fuck is going on with-"

He stopped momentarily, looking at the girl in front of him, “Clay- We’re taking him home. I know it was supposed to be our night and all that, but I’m sorry. Clay’s not okay and-”

Jess shushed him, shaking her head, “It’s okay. It was still our night. It was perfect.”

Justin nodded silently, giving her a small smile. 

She exhaled at that, taking his hands into hers, “Tony told me that Clay ket saying that-”

“He wants to die." Justin's voice came out snappish, almost as though he was annoyed that Jess brought it up, "I know, I was next to him.”

“Do you think he meant it?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he did." Justin blinked away the tears forming on his eyes as he spoke, shaking his head furiously. He was just so mad at himself for not noticing anything earlier. maybe then, this wouldn't have happened, "He hasn’t been doing great. And none of us have been there for him. None of us. Like he’s always there for us.”

A hurt look flashed through Jess's eyes, “Justin-”

Justin untangled his hands from her, shaking his head, “I’ll text you and the rest on the group chat about what happens, alright? I have to go.”

“Okay." Jess nodded. She gave him a small smile, "I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-

Jessica walked back to the rest of them. She couldn't get Justin's voice off her mind.

_None of us have been there for him._

It was true. None of them had been there for Clay.

They had been so preoccupied with not getting caught, that there friend's spiraling mental health had slipped past them. They had brushed CLay's struggles off. Despite telling him that he was breakable, they had thought that he was unbreakable.

That he could fix himself.

“What did Justin say?” Charlie asked, pulling her off her trance. 

She nodded, “He’ll text us when he gets an update, on the group chat.” 

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, his eyes shining with concern. 

“Justin’s right, you know?” She told them, not adding an explanation. "He's right."

“About what?” Tony asked. She looked at him. Amongst all of them Tony seemed the most worried. It made sense. Amongst all of them, Tony was the closest to Clay after Justin. But even Tony had brushed past his struggles.

Jess let out a breath, “We haven’t been there for Clay. At least not as much as he has been for us. He deserves more than that. We should have been there for him in the last few months.”

A few tears rolled down her cheeks which she hastily wiped off, “We should have. Even when he told us about everything we were so focused on covering our shit, we didn’t even ask him how he was. We were shitty friends.”

A silence stretched between them, all of them coming to the same realization.

Jess was right. They had failed Clay. they had failed to be there for him at times he desperately needed them to be there. And now here they were when it was too late.

It felt like Deja Vu.

“You’re right." Alex exhaled, a strange look on his face as he spoke, "We haven’t been there for him.”

All of them nodded.

“Hey guys,” They looked to see Tyler staring at them, a frown on his face, "Did something happen?”

“It’s Clay," Tony said, before looking at everyone, "Come on, we’re going to Monet's. You’re coming too.”

-

The car ride had been silent. Clay hadn't tried initiating a conversation, and neither had Justin or Lainie.

All three of them were busy in their own minds. Lainie was thinking of how to approach the topic. She had decided to hold a family meeting right that night. She couldn't risk waiting until the morning. Not when Clay had broken down to her and confessed wanting to die not even an hour ago.

She had told Justin to text Matt and briefly explain the situation.

And so the three of them came home to a nice, but simple meal prepared to them by Matt.

They ate it in silence, a few exchanges of small talks between them. But the air was tense all around, unlike the air that usually filled the Jensen house.

After eating, Justin offered to take the dishes to the sink, and it was then that Lainie saw an opening. Clay looked like he was feeling slightly better too.

“Are you feeling better, love?” She asked him.

Clay nodded but sank further into the couch.

Matt looked at his wife, before looking at Clay, and sighed, “We have to talk, Clay.”

“I’m sorry,” The words were out of Clay's mouth before anyone else could say anything. He looked down at the floor, unable to meet anyone's eyes. How could he? He had just told everyone that he wanted to die. 

“For what, honey?” Lainie prodded, putting her hands over Matt's. Matt squeezed them back, before intertwining their hands together.

“For spoiling prom and-”

Justin came back to the room right at that time, and upon hearing Clay he groaned, shooting him an annoyed look, “You didn’t spoil anything for anyone dude. Stop saying sorry.”

Clay's mouth snapped shut at that.

“Clay, honey, you kept saying you want everything end. That you want to-” Lainie's voice trailed off at the end, and tears brimmed in her eyes. She couldn't even utter the words let alone think about losing Clay. 

Clay looked down, before exhaling. He leans front, rubbing his fingers through his face. There was no point in hiding anything now. As Jess put it, he had gone full Clay-Cray now. He might as well be fully honest with his parents and Justin for once in his life.

“I have been feeling that way for um- a while- since going to jail. And um- I've been-” He paused at that, before rolling up the sleeves of his formal shirt. 

A sob escaped Lainie's lips as she looked at Clay's arm, and she put her palms over her mouth to muffle them. Justin let out a gasp, while Matt bit his lips, a pained expression over his face.

There were four scars, one of them clearly new.

It took all three of them a moment to look away from his hand. Clay rolled his sleeve back down, looking down again.

“Is that since when you’ve been-?” Matt asked, pressing onto Lainie's hand now. He couldn't;t believe that he hadn't seen his son struggle right in front of him. And since November. They were at the last week of April now. Almost six months had passed.

“Yeah. I’m sorry." Clay's voice was wavering again, and he still wouldn't meet any of their eyes, "But I stopped last week, and I’m trying, I really am.”

“That’s good, but honey- I’m so sorry. I wish- I wish I knew.” Lainie exhaled at that, another sob escaping her lips. 

“Clay, buddy we love you so much." Clay looked at his dad for the first time that evening to see the same worried expression he had given Clay when Clay had that crazy fever when he was eight, "I’m sorry-”

Clay shook his head violently, “No, I’m sorry. You guys- all three of you- are the only ones who care for you, and I’ve been an asshole to you guys. I’ve worried you guys shitless and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I want to die, and I’m-” His voice broke off, as sobs racked his body.

He was just so tired. All he wanted was for it to stop hurting. That's all he wanted. He didn't want to end up here.

He was crying so hard that he didn't realize when two hands engulfed him into a hug, letting him bury his head in that person's chest. Soon two more pairs of hands joined them, hugging Clay so hard that they could make him realize just how much the three of them cared for Clay.

-

About twenty minutes later, CLay had calmed down again. He had drunk some water and had officially run out of tears to cry.

His parents and Justin had composed themselves too, and now they were back to normal.

Lainie was back to prepping for the next step, “Here’s what we’ll do tomorrow, alright? We’ll go to the doctors, and get a checkup," She looked over at Justin, "for both of you. And then we’ll go from there. It might mean extra therapy sessions or another therapist but we’ll handle this together alright? All four of us.”

Both Clay and Justin nodded, exchanging looks, “Yes.”

Immediately following the agreement, Clay yawned, blinking back his sleep. He was so exhausted after all the crying and panicking. Maybe that meant that he would finally not have another nightmare about Monty and Bryce.

“It’s late, we should all go sleep,” Matt said, having noticed Clay's lethargicness.

“Honey, do you-" Clay looked over at his mother to see her hesitate, biting her lips, "Maybe sleep with me tonight? Or your dad.”

Clay wasn't surprised. Of course, his mom wouldn't let him sleep in the outhouse today. he had expected her to want him to sleep in his own room, not with her. But again, he wasn't surprised.

Nevertheless, he shook his head, “Mom I’m-”

“Please," She interrupted him, desperation shining in her eyes, "only for tonight.”

If Clay had any more energy Clay would've argued further. But he truly didn't. So he simply nodded, “Okay. I’ll get my pajamas and get unchanged. I’ll sleep with you.”

Lainie smiled at that, nodding. Matt did the same, before looking over at Justin, “I’ll be right there on the outhouse, Justin.”

Justin nodded, before putting his hands on the small of Clay's back, guiding him towards the outhouse.

Once they had left the main house, Clay looked over at Justin, “I’m sorry, I know prom was supposed to be this huge thing.”

Justin didn't know how to react. A part of him wanted to slap Clay and ask him how someone as smart as him could be so dense sometimes. The other part of him wanted to laugh at him on his face.

He decided to do the latter.

“Clay man," He chuckled, as they walked towards the outhouse, "I love you. Prom, Jess, means nothing to me compared to you alright. As long as you’re okay, everything will be fine.”

He stopped at the door of the outhouse, his eyes staring into Clay's.

Clay nodded, scratching his head, “I love you too.”

Justin nodded, unlocking the door, waiting for Clay to get in, before closing it after him, “Can I tell Jess and everyone else about this? They’re really worried. They’re sitting at Monet’s waiting for me to text.”

Clay frowned. he didn't understand why they would be sitting at Monet's solely because of him. But at that moment he couldn't be bothered to understand. So he nodded, “Okay.”

-

Jessica could have cried upon seeing Justin's name on the caller ID. It had been almost an hour since they had reached and all of them were a mess with nerves.

“Justin, what’s going on?” She breathed, and everyone else focused their attention on her. She put the phone on speaker, putting it on the table.

She heard Justin exhale, “Clay’s not okay.”

“What’s-” Before Tony could finish his sentence, Justin continued.

“He’s been self-harming since November.”

All of them froze, the silence around them deafening. 

Alex had the same strange look on his face as before, while Charlie looked shell-shocked. Both Tony and Tyler's eyes were wide; frightened at the thought of Clay hurting himself. Caleb squeezed Tony's arm, a pained expression on his face. Ani was wiping her eyes, aa guilty look on her face. And jess seemed to have lost the ability to speak.

“Shit,” Charlie muttered his voice barely above a whisper.

Justin chuckled at that, “Yeah. Um, Matt and Lainie are taking both of us to get checkups tomorrow and we’ll figure out what’s going on after that.”

“Is Clay going to be okay?” It was a stupid question, Tyler knew that. But it had to be asked. Because Clay had to be okay. After everything, if anyone deserved to be happy it was Clay. If anyone deserved to live it was Clay.

“I really really hope so." Justin's voice wavered at that, "He’s sleeping in his parent’s room today. Matt’s sleeping in his bed. And yeah, there’s not a lot to report. He’s basically being Clay. But I think- I hope he’ll be okay.”

“Should we meet tomorrow?” Jess asked.

“I - I don’t know. I don’t think I should leave Clay alone.”

At that, Jess shook her head, “No, I meant to talk about Clay. Like should we have a group meeting.”

“Yeah, we should. I’ll uh- text you when I know what’s up.”

-

Justin had been talking to Jess and the others outside the outhouse. He came in to see Matt sitting on Clay's bed, his head hung low. On Justin entering, he mustered up a smile, nodding at Justin, “Was clay okay?”

Matt didn't elaborate, but he didn't have to. Justin knew what Matt meant.

he swallowed, exhaling, “He was having nightmares. And he had one panic attack in front of me. And then everything that went down at that school lockdown thing. He was on the edge. I just didn’t know it was this-” He shook his head, tears blurring his vision momentarily, “I feel like I’ve let him down, and I’m sorry.”

Usually, Matt would've had words of comfort. But today, all he had was a sigh, “I feel like I’ve let him down too, kid. So does your mom. He’s our kid, and he’s been feeling this way and we didn’t even-” Matt wiped a stray tear from his face, “We might’ve even aided it with the school drill and everything.”

“You and Lainie are awesome parents." Justin blurted out, his cheeks reddened and he averted his eyes, "To clay and- uh- to me.”

Matt's face relaxed slowly at that, and he nodded, “You’re an awesome brother to Clay. He might not express his gratitude, but he loves you.”

Justin nodded, silently, keeping his gaze down.

There was a rustling noise, before Matt put down an envelope in front of him, “This came for Clay on the mail today.”

Justin looked at the envelope. It was from brown University. And it said, Congratulations on the top.

“Holy shit, Brown." Justin let out a disbelieved laugh, "That’s like one of the best schools in the world. Clay- he got in. Holy shit.”

“Yeah." The pride in Matt's face was indistinguishable, "Hopefully, this can momentarily cheer him up tomorrow, given everything.”

Justin nodded, the same feeling of pride inside him as he looked at the envelope.

he wanted to go back into the main house, and hug Clay. He wanted to tell Clay that he had told him so. That Clay would get into college. 

He felt a hand part his shoulder, “Get some sleep kiddo.”

Justin smiled back, “Good night.”

They would be okay. They had to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that these are all very Clay heavy but I promise the later chapters will include Justin more. Especially once he gets tested.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> I'll hopefully update in the next few days!


	3. He's My Positive Influence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex and Charlie talk to Zach, and Justin shows Clay his college essay.

Clay entered the outhouse to see their mom and dad sitting on his chair, scrolling through their phone. Justin was pouring orange juice into his glass. All three of them looked up when he came in, identical smiles on their face.

“Hey, sunshine," Matt greeted, an uncharacteristically bright smile on her face.

“Again with the sunshine, Dad," Clay told him, sitting down.

“Here, I made you coffee,” Justin passed a cup in front of him, nodding at him.

Clay thanked him quietly, looking down at his food. Suddenly an envelope slid towards him from across the table. Clay frowned looking at it. The first thing that caught his eyes was the 'Congratulations!' written on it in huge bold letters, and then Brown University's logo.

Clay felt his jaw slacken as he looked at the envelope before looking at his parent's both of whom had embarrassingly giddy smiles on their faces.

“It came yesterday,” Lainie told him, having a hard time sitting still on her chair, “It’s from Brown!”

“And it says congratulations,” Justin added, an equally huge smile on his face.

“Holy shit." Clay breathed, his eyes wide, "How did I- Why. I got in? How? Why?”

It felt too good to be true. The interview hadn't gone that well. His grades had dropped. He didn't even know what essay Ani had sent to the college. And yet, as he tore open the acceptance letter, it welcomed him to the Class of 2023.

“Because you’re amazing." Lainie said, coming around the table to hug him, "Despite everything you’re going through you got into one of the best universities in the world.”

“We’re so proud of you, kiddo,” Matt told him, patting his forearm.

“I- I don’t know what to say,” Clay said, the same disbelieving look on his face. It was all because of Ani. He had got into on of the top colleges in the country because of Ani.

“We’ll celebrate after the doctor visit today." Lainie told him, before snapping her head towards Justin, as though remembering something, "So Justin, I know I said I’d make appointments for both of you, but they were out of slots and the only available one was tomorrow. I'm sorry, I know tomorrow's a weekday and you'll be busy.”

“It’s okay." Justin told her, "Jess wanted to meet me anyways.”

Lainie smiled, “You have an appointment tomorrow right after school though. So I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow and we'll go straight there.”

“Sounds good.” 

-

Zach woke up that morning not feeling too great.

Not only did he have a massive hangover, but he also felt guilty on how he had behaved the previous night. At prom. Charlie's disappointed expression and words rang through his mind.

_Be better. Right?_

But how could he be better, when he had played a huge part in getting someone killed. Someone who he once considered his brother. And how could he be better when he immediately also helped cover up a murder.

He couldn't.

Which was why he had given up. His grades didn't matter anymore. He wasn't getting any sports scholarship thanks to his leg. Nothing in his life would work out, so he might as well have some fun.

Until last night. He had let things go too far last night.

As if on cue, there was a knock on his door before Charlie and Alex came in, Alex holding two coffees on his hand. It was as though he had manifested them.

Both of them had a guarded expression on their face and looked beyond exhausted. As though they had spent the night worrying about something. All at once, Zach knew something had happened.

"What are you guys doing here?" He asked, standing up.

"We came here to check on you," Alex told him, handing him the coffee, "And to help you."

"And-" Charlie and Alex looked at each other, holding a silent conversation, "tell you something."

"yeah," Alex confirmed, "But for now, drink the coffee, and then we're searching your room."

Zack scoffed, shaking his head, "You can't just search my room. What the fuck would you be searching for."

Charlie slid open his closet, fumbling with his stuff, before retrieving his stash of drinks, "These."

"This is a complete invasion of privacy, you guys can't just fucking come in and do these." Zach's voice was quiet, careful as to not make his mother come in, but still firm and angry. He had half a mind to just kick the two of them out.

Alex gave him a hard stare, "Would you rather have us do this or your mom? Because I'll go fucking get her if you want."

Zach opened and closed his mouth before snapping it shut, 'Why the fuck are you doing this?"

There was a small silence before Alex sighed, "Remember that day in the ledge. When we kissed?"

Charlie's eyes widened, and he looked at Alex, "Wait, you did? What?" 

"It was a shitshow." Alex said, shaking his head, "I'll explain later."

Charlie nodded, and Alex focused back at Zach who finally seemed to be listening, as he slowly sipped on the coffee, "The kiss was a disaster and embarrassing, but right before that remember how you pulled me off the ledge and kept me safe"

Zach nodded.

"I'll never forget that feeling." Alex's eyes bore right into his, making Zach look away, "Of you keeping me safe. I didn't know I needed it then, but I did. And you need this. You need us to be here for you and keep you safe. Make sure you're alright."

Zach blinked a few times, exhaling before nodding, "Okay. Why the sudden need to keep me safe?"

At that Charlie and Alex exchanged another look. 

"We realized we didn't keep another friend safe. And didn't want to do the same with you." Charlie told him, a somber look on his face.

Zach frowned at that, not knowing who they were talking about. The last time he checked no one else in their friend group was an alcoholic, "What do you mean? What friend?"

"Clay-" Charlie bit his lips, taking in a deep breath, "He had a panic attack during prom- right after we found you and Prismillah. And then he told his parents and Justin that he wants to die, and he's been self-harming since November."

Suddenly there didn't seem to be enough room in the air. Zach couldn't believe his ears. Clay and he had never been close friends. At most, they were acquaintances. But they had each others back. Which was why to hear the fact that Clay had thought of dying hit Zach hard.

"Fuck." He breathed, looking between Charlie and Alex, "Is he okay right now? Where is he?"

"He's okay, well hopefully." Charlie assured him, nodding, "But anyways when we realized that, we realized that we had another friend who was going through shit and who we hadn't really helped."

Zach looked away at that, knowing that it was him they were referring towards. He shook his head, "I'm not- I don't want to-"

"That's good," Alex smiled at him, "But you still need us. So will you please let us help you, Zach?"

Zach nodded, slumping his shoulders, and taking a giant sip of the coffee, "Okay."

"Okay," Charlie echoed, a relieved smile on his face, "We're meeting at Monet's later to talk about Clay and how we can help him. Will you come?"

"Yeah, okay, I'll come."

-

It was almost four in the afternoon when Clay returns from the doctor's visit. The three of them had left at ten in the morning. Since then, Justin had met up with the entire squad in Monet's, discussed how they would help Clay. They had decided to do what they had done for Tyler. Make a schedule of when to spend time with Clay. Take it one step at a time. 

All of them had looked shaken. Mostly Tony. He had barely spoken a word during the entire meet up, except when he when he could talk to Clay. 

By the time he had reached home, Justin felt a bit more at ease. 

But judging by the tear streaks on Clay's face, Justin knows at once that it hadn't been great. He gives Clay, what he hoped was an encouraging smile. Clay just nodded, before exhaling and sitting on his bed.

"How was it?" He asked gingerly, not wanting to be on the receiving end of Clay snapping.

Clay shook his head, "I- They diagnosed me with depression and schizophrenia."

"Schizophrenia?"

Clay nodded, clearing his throat, "Yeah. that explains the disassociation and the hallucinations I have."

"Fuck." That was the only thing Justin could say. That was the only word popping in his head, right then.

Clay's lips twitched upwards at Justin, but he nodded, "Yeah. Fuck. But um, I'll be ok. They said that it does get better. I won't always be burning down teachers' car all the time."

"Well, that's a relief."

Both of them laughed at that, but the laughter died down quickly.

“I told Jess and um-everyone else. We met up,” Jsutin told him, taking in his reaction. 

Clay nodded, “Do they hate me?”

For a moment Justin wondered whether he had misheard Clay. How could he think that they would hate him, of all things?

“Why the fuck would they hate you?” 

“I almost gave everything away, and I-uh- I don’t know. I keep messing shit up," Clay looked down as he said so, letting out an exhausted sigh.

“Jesus christ Clay," Clay looked up to see Justin shaking his head, laughing with disbelief, "You told us that you were thinking of killing yourself and that you have been self-harming, and _this_ is what you’ve been worried about?”

When Clay didn't respond, Justin flicked him on his shoulder making him jump,  “They’re worried about you, you idiot. Very worried. All of us met at Monet’s to figure out how we’re going to help you. Like how we did for Tyler.”

Clay frowned at that, shaking his head,  “You don’t have to do that.”

“We do." Justin's voice was firm. It sounded a lot like Lainie's lawyer-voice as Clay liked to call it, "You’re not okay. And we want to help you. Let us help you.”

Once again, Clay shook his head, “But-”

At that Justin reached over, shuffling through his bag. Clay frowned as he watched Justin do so, not knowing what to expect. What he didn't expect was for Justin to take a sheet of paper out before thrusting it on his palm.

“Here read this," Justin said, "It's my college essay."

"Isn't this like private or something?" CLay asked, hesitantly unfolding the paper, his eyes still on Justin.

Justin gave him a deadpanned look, "Dude we have literally breathed each others farts. You've walked in on me jerking off more times than you even know. _This_ is where you draw the line?"

Clay cracked a smile at that, before fully unfolding the paper. The prompt was to talk about one of Justin's positive influences.

"I didn't really grow up with much positivity in my life," Clay read out loud, "And if I had influences around me, they were definitely bad. My mother was a drug addict. Her revolving door of boyfriends, mostly drug addicts too. I had a best friend I used to look up to, but then he hurt people close to me, and now he's dead."

CLay looked up at that, raising his eyes at his brother, "Talk about dark, Justin."

Justin rolled his eyes, "Just read on."

"There was a time in my life I truly had nothing but the clothes on my back and the regret for the people I'd hurt. And then a person came into my life. A person named...Clay Jensen." Clay's head snapped up at that, his eyes narrowing. 

"You wrote about me?" 

Justin shrugged, surprised that Clay was as surprised as he seemed to be. Of course, he wrote about Clay, "They said to write about positive influence."

Clay scoffed, shaking his head but read on, "Even when I was puking all over his room, he was there. He's always been there, which is why even though I've never had a proper family, I know what it feels like to have one because Clay gave that to me. Because he's my brother." Clay paused momentarily, briefly looking at Justin before continuing, "He's my positive influence. He's the reason I'm alive and able to write this college essay in the first place."

Once he finished, Clay put the paper down. Justin had written an essay about him. That was how much he meant to Justin. He looked down, trying to blink back the tears forming on his eyes. But he couldn't. He sniffled, wiping his eyes using that back of his hands.

"I- I don't know what to say."

Justin chuckled, "You don't have to say anything. But come on, Clay. You’ve helped every single person in the group- well except a few. You’re the reason I’m not homeless, and alive. You are the reason Tyler didn’t shoot the entire school that he is fine. You’re the reason Jess is who she is today. You’re the reason Tony has a friend like you. You’re the reasons all of us aren’t in jail, or dead.” Clay looked at Justin as he spoke, “You've helped all of us. Now let us help you. Please.”

Clay didn't know what to make of any of this. He didn't know what to think anymore. What he did know was that he was exhausted. He was exhausted from feeling the way he did. And he wanted to get better. He really did.

“Okay." He whispered, "But I don’t know how.”

Justin's shoulder relaxed. He had expected Clay to argue on. “We’ll figure it out.  I’m just glad that you haven’t- you know.”

Clay shot him a small smile, “Yeah. Me too.” 

He only partially meant it then, as he said so to Justin. 

But Clay really hoped that with all the support and help his family was giving him one day he would fully mean it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one thing and the ONLY thing I really liked about season 4 was Justin's college letter.  
> It had me crying. I rewatched that part to make sure I was quoting it correctly, and boy was it painful.  
> But it had to be included. Except in a less sad manner. So here you go.  
> The next chapter consists of Justin finding out he has HIV. So it'll include considerably less Clay.  
> Also, I hoped you liked Zach in this chapter! I want to give him a better ending than season 4 did, so we'll see where he ends up!


	4. We'll Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clay talks to his friends and Justin finds out he has HIV.

The outhouse door was always open.

Was it very unsafe? Yes. Was it something Matt and Lainie always reprimanded Justin and Clay for? Also, Yes.

But did they still keep it unlocked? Yes, they did.

And while, Clay usually didn't care about it, having the door creak when he was all alone and wasn't expecting anyone was enough to give him a panic attack. He could think of so many people who could've come here, and none of them were people Clay wanted to see.

Which was why it was a pleasant surprise when Jessica's head poked in, “Clay? Hey." She had a guarded expression on her face as she spoke, and even her smile seemed forced.

Clay hadn't seen anyone except his parents and Justin for the past four days - since prom. He had taken the last two days off as mental health days. On Monday, his mother had gone and talked to the school regarding his mental health. Justin had been grinning ear to ear when he had come home and had told him with animated details on how she had torn Principal Bolan and Dean Foundry to shreds.

He stood up, smiling at her, “Oh, hey Jess." Another head poked in after Jess, "-and Alex.”

Alex gave him a tight smile, clearly uncomfortable about something. As usual, he went straight to the point, “Can we talk?”

Clay nodded, telling them to sit down. Jessica sat down on Justin's bed, while Alex sat down on one of the four chairs, “Oh yeah, sure.”

“How are you?” Jessica asked, her voice soft. Her eyes were pained, and she had a guilty look on her face that Clay didn't understand.

“I um-" Clay exhaled, "I have um- Schizophrenia. And Depression. And I already had anxiety so...”

“Shit,” She muttered, her eyes widening, as she looked at CLay. Alex had a similar look on his face, although he stayed quiet.

Clay snorted at that, “Yeah, so I’m full Clay Cray now.”

At that, Jessica shook her head, “Clay I didn’t-”

“I know." He assured her, his lips curving upwards, "I just don’t really know how to deal with this. I um- I have group therapy now, along with Dr. Ellman, and medication and it’s just a lot I guess.”

There was another silence after that. Clay looked between both of them wondering what they had wanted to talk to him about. The silence was broken Alex exhaling deeply. Clay looked to see him biting his lips.

“We just-" He started, before pausing to clear his throat, "We wanted to let you know that you can report us- or well me - if you want.”

Clay did a double-take, “What?”

“It’s the guilt of knowing that you helped cover this up that’s affecting you right?" Jessica asked, her eyes deep into his, "That’s why you’ve been so paranoid and upset lately. And the disassociations?”

Clay shook his head, but before he could respond, Alex beat him to it.

“And that’s okay." He assured Clay, giving him a comforting smile, "We’re not mad at you. I just- I’d rather go to jail, than have you dead.”

There was a pause as Clay processed his words. Jess nodded, "And if this is what you need to get better, then report us. We'll not be mad at you. And we'll make sure no one else is either."

“I-” Clay shook his head, chuckling lightly, “I won’t report you guys, don’t worry.”

He couldn't believe it. Jessica and Alex were willing to go to jail if it meant he would get better. Why would they do that? Why would anyone do that?

Because they care about you

A small voice in his head said so, but he ignored it. Even if they cared about him, why would they do this?

But wouldn't you do the same if the situation was reserved.

He would. He so would. And yet, it irked him that someone else would do the same for him.

“We’re not worried." Alex assured him, distracting him from his internal conflict, "Well we are- but not about that.”

Clay frowned, “About what?”

“You," Jessica chuckled as she said so, before sobering up. She stood up, walking up to him, "I’m sorry Clay. I’ve been so rude to you these last months and it was so selfish. I shouldn’t have- I should have been there for you like you were there for me. Like you were there for all of us. I’m sorry.”

Before Clay could respond, Alex spoke up, standing up too, “I’m sorry too. You shouldn’t have to go through this because of me. We love you, Clay. And we care for you.”

Clay nodded, blinking back the tears, and offering his friends a smile, “It’s okay. I’ll uh- I’ll be okay, I promise.”

Jess smiled at that before raising an eyebrow at both of them, "Group hug?"

Clay chuckled and nodded, and Alex simply shook his head, but still joined them.

Clay put his arms around the two of them, closing his eyes as he took at the moment.

No one hated him. They were all here for him like he was there for them.

There was a small click at the door, and then they heard Justin's voice.

“Alright, I’m joining you guys.”

-

Clay sighed looking at his phone. He had told Tony he would meet him at Monet's in about fifteen minutes. But he really didn't feel up to it. Justin, who was working on his homework, looked up and gave him a questioning look.

“Tony texted me to meet him at Monet’s," Clay explained, looking down at the text.

“You can tell him no if you want." Justin said to him, at once seeing through his hesitation and exhaustion, "If you don’t feel up to it.”

But Clay shook his head. He knew Tony was worried about him and wanted to talk to him. He hadn't seen Tony since Prom given that he hadn't been in school until Tuesday, and Tony hadn't been in school on Wednesday, “No, I’m good, I’ll go.”

“Okay," Justin stood up grabbing the car keys, "I’ll drive you.”

Clay would've argued. He really would've. But at the same time, he also didn't have the energy to be driving right then, and he was glad Justin somehow just knew that.

Tony was already at Monet's when he arrived. He was sitting in the same table they had sat on when they had agreed to search for Justin. That seemed like so long ago right now. Although, it was only a little over a year old.

“Hey,” Clay said, sitting down.

Tony jumped up, taken by surprise at Clay's sudden appearance, “Hey," He paused, before nodding at Clay, "How are you?”

Clay had been asked this question a bit too many times these last few days. And most of the time he could nod and smile and tell the person he was talking to that he was fine. But with Tony and Justin, he couldn't.

So Clay just shrugged, “I’m just-" His voice trailed off at that, and he looked down at the table.

He looked up when he heard Tony take in a shaky breath, “I know, I haven’t been there for you recently." Tony said, looking down at the table too, his voice low, "I was way too consumed with Ty, and my own life, and my fights, to even notice that my best friend isn’t doing well.”

Tony wiped his eyes hastily, so quickly that he hoped Clay wouldn't notice. But of course, Clay noticed.

“Are you- don't cry,” Clay told him, suddenly alarmed. He had never seen Tony cry before, “Tony I’ll be fine.”

But all Tony did was shake his head, wiping his eyes again. When he spoke next, his voice was watery, “I’m sorry, alright? I promise I’ll be a better friend.”

Clay shook his head, “You are a great friend already. This isn’t your fault. I- you, Justin, my parents, Tyler, all of you asked me if I needed help. I pushed you guys away. And I’m trying not to.”

“Good." Tony took in a deep breath, trying to compose himself, "That’s good. Is Justin helping?”

“Yeah,” Clay nodded, before chuckling, “He wrote his college essay on me.”

Tony's eyebrows shot up at that, but he didn't comment. Just nodded.

“Anyways," Clay suddenly asked, "Is Ani still staying with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I have to talk to her," When Tony gave him a questioning look he elaborated, "I got into Brown. Because of her. I have to thank her.”

Tony let out a delighted laugh, “You got into Brown? Holy shit, Clay, that's huge. How are you not more excited?”

Once again, Clay didn't have it in him to lie to Tony. Which was why all he did was shrug. Seeing his response, Tony's smile slid off slightly. 

But Tony understood. He understood that this was a process. Clay couldn't just go from wanting to die to be excited for college all in less than a week. It would take time. It would take effort. It would take support.

And he would be there, supporting Clay until the end.

“Come on," He got up, patting Clay's shoulder, "let's go meet Ani then.”

-

"Hi," Justin looked up from the desk to see Matt and Lainie standing on the door, an apprehensive look on both of their faces.

At once, Justin knew that something had happened. His thought immediately went on to Clay, and he stood up, "What happened?"

Matt and Lainie came in, both of them silent. Lainie came and sat on the chair next to him, while Matt dragged the chair opposite them next to Justin.

"We have to talk to you about something." Matt's voice was grave. He exhaled, It's regarding the test results."

Justin felt his body still. On Monday, when Lainie had taken him for the check-up, she had taken tests for everything. When Justin had realized that he was getting tested for STDs he had questioned Lainie. She had shrugged and said that they just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Justin had been nervous, given that he hadn't talked to Matt and Lainie about all that had happened when he was homeless yet, but he didn't voice it then. He had stayed silent, and been compliant, and hoped for the best. He had mentioned it briefly to Clay who hadn't been surprised. He had even told him that it was probably a good thing, given Clay already knew.

"For STDs?" He asked, his voice a whisper.

Matt nodded, "Yes. Your HIV test came back positive."

"Fuck." Any other time and Justin would've apologized. But right then, he didn't. He looked at both of them, fear in his eyes, "Am I going to die?"

At once, both of them shook their heads rapidly, Lainie taking one of his hand into hers and squeezing it, "Honey, Justin, no."

"You're not going to die," Matt said at the same time.

"But we- there definitely has to be some changes," Lainie added, exhaling. She ran her hand through her face. It had been a very long day, and coming home to see the test results had left her exhausted, "You have another doctor's appointment tomorrow which we'll go with you too, and then they'll prescribe you medicines that you have to take every day, and you cannot skip even one day. We can manage this."

Justin felt his shoulder slacken, and he nodded, trying to stay calm, "Okay."

"There will be side-effects of the medication, and it definitely won't be easy," Matt continued, looking him straight in his eyes, "But ultimately you'll be okay in the long run."

Just stayed silent for a moment, looking down as he digested the fact. The fact that he had HIV. And that it was all his fault.

If he hadn't let Bryce rape Jessica, and then Hannah hadn't died because of that, and made those tapes and then Jessica didn't hate him, and he didn't become homeless none of this would have happened. It was all his fault.

"Justin?"

He looked up to see Lainie's worried eyes staring at him, "Do you know how you might have infected yourself?"

At that, Justin looked at both of them, before nodding slowly. Noen of them responded, giving him space to tell them on his own time. 

"It was when I was homeless." He started, looking down. He was shaking as he spoke, and he felt Lainie's hand squeeze his ones tighter. As though she knew where the story was going, "I um- had to do stuff. When I needed money. And sometimes they did stuff that I- we didn't agree on."

He took in a shuddering breath, using one hand to wipe off the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. He sniffled, shaking his head, "And- I don't know, I'm guessing I got infected then."

The dam broke after that. All the composure that Justin had managed to keep gave way to tears. His shoulders racked as he sobbed. After a while he felt Lainie pull him into a hug, softly stroking his hair. She didn't utter a word, and instead just stroked her hair comfortingly.

After a few seconds, Justin untangled himself from her, propping his arms on the table and burying his face on his palms. Matt put a hand on his back, softly rubbing it.

"Honey, I-" Justin sat back up, looking at Lainie to see her in tears, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just wish I knew earlier. Maybe I could've helped then, somehow."

"It's okay." His voice was scratchy as he spoke, "You guys have helped me in more ways than you even know. I probably wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for you guys."

She smiled at him, wiping away her own tears, "Do you want us to be here when you tell Clay?"

"I-um, he already knows about it," He looked down, scared that they would be annoyed about him telling Clay before he told them, "I'll tell him that I have HIV on my own."

"Okay," Matt said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't tell you guys sooner." Justin blurted out suddenly, shaking his head, "I just- didn't know how to. Clay- he knew because I stood up at this assembly we had at school, and he asked me about it later. But I didn't know when would be a good time to bring it up with you guys and I'm just- I'm so sorry."

"Kiddo it's okay," Matt told him, patting him on his shoulder before giving his shoulder a squeeze, "We understand. You needed time. We're sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn't tell us."

"No, you didn't," He told them, "It was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault, Justin," Laine told him, wiping her eyes again, "You didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You're one of the strongest people I know, Justin. And all of us love you. We love you so much."

She hugged him again, as she said so, squeezing him tightly. She wanted to protect him, and keep him safe from all the cruelties in the world. She hated that in only eighteen years of life he had gone through so much more than what a lot of adults went through. 

Justin hugged him back, "I- I love you all too."

The sound of the door made Justin untangle himself from Lainie. He wiped his eyes just as Clay entered. He frowned looking at Justin and his parents' tear strained face. This wasn't something he usually walked into.

It was more usual for him to walk in on Justin jerking off, than it was to this. 

"What's going on? Why is everyone crying?" He asked, walking in. 

Matt got up from his seat, and after a second so did Lainie, "We'll give you guys a moment."

All that did was confuse Clay further. His frown deepened as he watched his parents walk out, before looking back at Justin, "What happened?"

Justin stayed quiet, taking a moment to breathe, "Remember the STD tests I had done?"

All at once, Justin watched Clay's demeanor change. His eyes widened, and he inhaled deeply, shaking his head, "Fuck. Fuck. Shit."

"Clay, dude, relax," Justin said, getting up as he watched Clay panic. He put an arm on Clay's shoulder, "Please."

Clay shook his head, a pained look on his eyes, "I don't- I don't want you to die."

Justin huffed, giving him a look, before punching him gently on his shoulder, "Fucking relax, will you? I'm not going to fucking die. There are medications I can take which will help. And- I don't really know a lot. Except that I'm not going to die. At least no time soon."

"Okay." Clay nodded, taking in a slow breath in, "that's- that's good."

"You really need to learn how to relax, don't you?" Justin muttered, sitting back down, and shaking his head.

"I have anxiety. I can't relax," Clay said, sitting where Lainie had been sitting a minute earlier, "Do you think you got it from when you were homeless?"

Justin shrugged, "It was either that, or when I was five. I was telling your folks about it. I only told them about what happened when I was homeless though. I couldn't tell them about when I was five."

"I hate this," Clay muttered, running a hand through his face, "I hate that you have to go through this."

"Me too," Justin confided, for the first time showing how scared he was, "But hey, it'll be fine. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow, they'll prescribe me with some medication according to your folks and do some other check-up and shit, I don't know. And then we'll go from there. One day at a time."

All Clay did in response was hug Justin, in a similar way that Lainie had done just minutes again. Justin bit back a smile, thinking of how similar the both of them were to each other. 

Justin patted his back, "We'll survive, Clay. We'll survive."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your comments make my day! I'm so glad you're liking this series! And I have plenty of time right now, so I thought I might as well spend every minute writing haha.  
> Yes, I changed a couple things over here.  
> Mostly because I REFUSE to believe that Clay wouldn't talk to Justin about the 'I'm a survivor' scene. Which is why over here Clay already knew about this. Matt and Lainie didn't.  
> Maybe lookout for the scene in which Justin tells Clay about this in my other work :)  
> I also added the Alex and Jessica scene because I think that if Alex doesn't come clean, the least he should do is assure everyone that it's no one's fault if they rat him out.  
> Especially Clay's.  
> I love Alex, I do. But I hated how he suffered no consequences for his actions and how his major character arc was his sexuality this season.


	5. Slowly Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some loose ends tie up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my laptop’s not working.  
> Hence the delay.  
> But, I’ve finally written something up. The reason for typos is that I’m not great at writing in my phone.  
> But still! Enjoy the chapter!

It wasn’t until Clay told him that he would have to tell Jessica about having HIV because he’d had sex with her, did Justin realize the same.

He had groaned, but he knew he would have to do so.

Needless to say, Jess was more than surprised.

“You have what?!”

Justin winced scooting a bit further on into the couch and sitting, “HIV.”

There was a silence, a long one. Before she exploded, “Holy shit Justin! Are you going to-“

After his talk with Clay he knew where this sentence was going. Which was why, he finished it for her.

“I’m not going to die,” He finished, a small smile on his face, "I’ll just be throwing up and being sick for the rest of my life because that’s apparently a side effect of the meds”

He let out a groan at that, looking down. When the doctor had been talking to him about the medicines and their side effects and how he  had to have the medicines at a certain time every day and what would happen if he didn’t, for the first time he had realized the intensity of the situation. 

Justin was used to giving up, and fucking up. But this was something he really couldn’t fuck up on. Because he would die if he did.

And he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to do so.

“Shit,” Jess muttered, biting her lips. He nodded along, giving her a somewhat comforting smile.

Jess frowned at that, “How are not scared?”

_ I am. I’m so fucking scared. _

But he’d been trying to hide it. Clay needed him. He has still having nightmares, and just yesterday he had told Justin that he was thinking of harming himself again.

Which was why, Justin had stayed up all night to make sure he was okay.

Clay really needed him, and this time he would be there.

Even if he was throwing up or shaking with a fever, he would be there. 

He exhaled, shrugging. 

“I mean, it’s not unexpected.” 

There was a pause after which he let out an exhale, “Anyways you probably need to get tested. And um-so does Diego. And Alex. And whoever else you had sex with.”

“Bryce, but he’s dead so...” Jess’s voice trailed off giving way to silence. After a pause she reached over to him, and pressed her hand on his, “you’ll be fine though right?”

Justin nodded, leaning in and kissing her, “Yeah I’ll be fine.”

When they broke apart, Justin spoke up again, “Clay told me what you and Alex talked to him about?”

“Of course he did,” Jess muttered, rolling his eyes, ”But yeah, it was Alex’s idea.” 

Justin nodded, not knowing what to say to that. It wasn’t everyday that people discussed covering up a murder with their girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend.

And so he blurted out the only thing he could think about, “Clay got into Brown. And he’s going to be class speaker.”

Jess chuckled, nodding, “I know. I’m surprised they are allowing him. I mean I love Clay, but he did destroy Bolan’s car.”

At that, Justin snorted, but nodded, “Honestly me too. But Bolan never really makes the best decisions so I’m also not surprised.”

Another silence stretched between them. This was the first time they were talking properly after prom. With graduation fast approaching, Clay’s mental health and Justin having HIV, neither of them had time to talk. 

About them.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened between us these last few months,” Jess finally told him, pursing her lips together and looking down, “I should’ve been more supportive. And I don’t know- not been such a bitch.”

Justin wanted to say that it was fine. But it truly wasn’t. But it would be, with time.

So he reached over, and tucked a strand of her hair under her ear, smiling. He, then, nodded, “I’m sorry, I pushed you away.”

Jess shook her head, “No you should’ve. I should’ve understood that recovery would be your main focus and been fine with it. I shouldn’t have made it about me!”

Justin nodded at that, accepting her apology, before tangling his hand into her, and kissing her hand, “Let’s both of us agree to not keep fucking this up”

Jessica chuckled at that. She was just about to lean in and kiss him, when the outhouse door opened.

In came Clay, who stopped at seeing the two of them, before his eyes lit up.

“Finally,” He nodded, smiling, before shaking his head,“That does not mean you can have sex in my bed though.”

“Clay,” Jess huffed, nevertheless shot him a smile, "How was group therapy”

Clay shrugged sitting beside Justin, Jess on Justin’s other side, “Eh.”

He looked at Justin and Jess, raising his eyebrows in question, “So everything cool between you both now?”

“Yeah,” Justin smiles, looking at Jess who returned the smile, “And um Alex talked to Winston and he said they aren’t going to report him.”

Clay’s shoulder visibly relaxed at that, and he nodded, “That’s-that’s good.”

“Yeah,” Jess muttered, smiling for what felt like the first time in a while, “So everything’s slowly getting better now.”

-

Justin stayed home from school the next day. It was his fifth day taking the medicine, but it was the first day he was feeling the side effect like the doctor had told he would. Which was why, when he threw up for the fifth time that morning, Lainie and Matt had collectively decided to make him stay at home.

Matt has stayed home with him to make sure he was okay.

They had spent the entire morning watching movies, finishing all the Star Wars ones.

Only now, given that Clay was supposed to be home any minute that Matt went back to his work place having to grade papers.

However, when Clay walked in through the door, it wasn’t Justin who needed help.

Clay came in, looking as though he had seen a ghost.

Justin was just about to ask what was wrong when his eyes fell on the package in Clay’s hand.

It looked very familiar.

“This looks a lot like-“ He started.

Clay finished, “Hannah’s tapes.”

Justin looked at Clay to see the fear in his eyes. As though wondering what had happened now? Or maybe thinking back to the tape he had received the tape.

Because that was the start of it all.

Clay receiving the tape.

“Do you want me to open them for you?” Justin asked, looking at Clay’s hand which were shaking.

“Umm no, I think I’m good,” He said, his voice soft, before placing the tapes on the counter and tearing it apart.

Justin watched as he read a note attached to it before placing it inside the box again.

“Hannah’s mom sent the tapes back,” Clay explained, his eyes still on the box.

At that, Justin stood and moved next to him, reaching out and reading the note. He looked back at Clay after reading it, willing him to speak.

“I can’t keep them with me,” Clay rasped out, shaking just head, “I can’t.”

Justin knew why. The tape were reminders of everything that had gone down after Hannah had died. And for Clay, almost none of it was positive.

“Alright,” He breathed out, making Clay look at him, “we could all decide as a group what to do with them”

“All twelve of us?” 

“Or what’s left of us,” Justin shrugged, before nodding,”Bryce is dead. And Porter- I don’t think would be invited. And Sheri transferred. And Courtney and Ryan graduated.”

“We could still ask Courtney, Ryan and Sherri,” Clay told him, “We graduate in a week. I could keep it for a week. And Courtney and Ryan might come then.”

Justin nodded, clapping his back, “Okay I’ll text in the group.”

And for the first time since he came home, Clay’s body relaxed. He went over and sat down on the chair before looking up at Justin, suddenly realizing that Justin had been sick, “How many times did you throw up today?”

“Only five times so that’s good,” Justin responded dryly.

Clay chuckled at that, looking down, “It’s like I’m back to how this all started huh? With Hannah’s tape, and you throwing up in my room?”

Justin grinned, sitting next to him, “Full circle.”


End file.
